My bad

The act (the art?) of forgiving has come up several times in random places over the last week, which I’ve taken as a personal challenge. Maybe it’s a provocation to forgive those who have wronged me, for want of a better word? Maybe it’s a reminder to forgive myself for some of my own transgressions?

Forgiveness is, at its core, the act of freeing yourself from the actions of others. It’s a conscious decision to stop allowing the past to interfere with the present. Easy as putting tights on a toddler.

But holding on to resentment is a zero-sum game. The only player, and inevitable loser, is the grasper; the original villain is no longer on the field. This is wildly annoying, but there’s no way to force your enemy to stick around for their comeuppance.

In our usual human way, we seem to have overcomplicated what should be a fairly simple process. We’ve conflated forgiveness with triumph, or amends, or admissions of guilt. 

If I forgive you for stomping on my foot in those ridiculous boots I told you not to buy in the first place, I’m not telling you that foot-stomping is okay, please feel free to trample my toes whenever you please. 

I’m not admitting defeat. 

I’m not giving in to bad behavior. 

I’m simply accepting that while my toes are hurt, there's no point in pummeling you with recriminations for the rest of your life.

When you forgive, you’re not offering your adversary an olive branch (unless you’d like to), you’re providing yourself a tree trunk while you’re being sucked into the quicksand of resentment. Because forgiveness isn’t about the recipient, it’s a gift you give yourself.

In this society we tend to give the bullies and wrongdoers a lot of oxygen. The victims are left hanging at best, or used as pawns in legal maneuvering, at worst. (If you have not read Know My Name by Chanel Miller, do yourself a favor and pick it up immediately. Rarely has a victim spoken so eloquently on the subject.)

But once the lawyers are involved we’ve moved from any sense of emotional well-being into finger pointing and retribution. Forgiveness has little to do with justice; it’s all about deciding that you will not be a victim to someone else’s behavior, no matter how villainous.

If you’ve been the object of absolutely unspeakable behavior, don’t throw tomatoes at me just yet. Because I’m not here to tell you what a reasonable response looks like. 

I just know that when you’re wronged in a way that does not cause grave bodily or psychological harm it’s in your interest to throw off the shackles of victimhood as quickly as possible. If you’ve been deeply and irreparably harmed I offer you my sincerest sympathy and I hope you are able to find some peace.

Granted, some people are easier to forgive than others. 

Children are generally unaware that they’re hurting people, or, if aware, are doing it as part of their exploration of their place in the world. Not to mention chafing at their absolute subjugation to their minders. Can you blame them for acting like little felons sometimes? 

Friends may screw up occasionally, but if they’re great 90% of the time it’s not so hard to overlook their moments of frailty.

Parents can be super hard to forgive. My own were pretty terrific, so it’s easy to be generous in letting them off the hook for their petty crimes and misdemeanors. But because of the magnitude of the harm caused by truly awful parents, or even fundamentally neglectful caretakers, it might be a tall mountain to climb.

If you’re locked in the ring with your assailant; i.e. you cohabit or are otherwise forced to deal with them often and in close quarters, it might feel insurmountable. The wrongdoing is refreshed so often you might never get enough space to let go of your resentment.

This is common with partners and spouses. How are you going to forgive that lout for leaving dirty dishes in the sink if you’re going to have to confront the very same mess again tomorrow?

And if you know for a fact that the person who persecuted you feels not one ounce of remorse, may in fact be reveling in their innate sense of superiority, your desire to forgive is likely as negligible as Elon Musk’s interest in your financial well-being.

I won’t preach to you about recognizing the pain of the bully, because I’m sure you already know all about it. Suffice to say that emotionally healthy people do not treat others like crap and then refuse to recognize it. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t do better.

So maybe we don't have to label it forgiveness. Maybe it's enough to let go of the seduction of injury, to reclaim our autonomy. Anyway, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused and sorry for the pain inflicted on me, and I'm ready to move on. There are so many other demands on my time!

Ok, love you, bye!

Julia

Recommendation!

In these tough times, it's important to look on the lighter side. And no one does this like Josh Johnson. He rose to fame, I think, by writing for and appearing on Tonight Show and then The Daily Show. His political stuff is terrific, but I really love his takes on, well, everything.

There's really no point in explaining why someone is funny. If you need a shot of humor, check him out!

Cher knows all about pain and regret, and so does this email. Forward it to someone who understands the meaning of "I'm sorry."