In which I go on a tiny murder spree

I wrote this in January, when everything was terrible. I recount it here to tell you that things DO get better. Namely, infestations fail and weather improves. Hurrah!

We have a fruit fly infestation happening in my house. I wish I could say it was in my kitchen, but these little terrorists are also in the living room, the bedroom, the bathroom, and anywhere else humans and moisture reside.

We’ve had fruit flies before. Often there’s a week in the winter when they come riding in on some piece of unsuspecting fruit and get me all riled up until I’m forced to reckon with the fact that my kitchen is not a sterile work environment. Thus chastened, I put all the fruit in the refrigerator and take out the recycling and scour the counters and they disappear.

Not so this year. We’re now on week five. Or six? They were almost gone when we left for vacation, but then one of my kids decided that vacation wasn’t going to work for her, so she stayed at home. I was out of the house for the next two weeks, so I can’t speak to the level of cleanliness she, and then she and her sister, maintained in my absence. Suffice to say the bug colony was alive and kicking when I got home from two weeks in paradise.

Side note; if you are going to spend two weeks in paradise, it is not going to improve your already shaky mental health situation to come home to appallingly awful weather AND a bug infestation. Better to stay away until summer and damn the consequences.

This year the insect invasion feels a lot like a scene from World War Z - not only are they everywhere, they move at lightning speed and create offspring at an alarming rate. Did you know that an adult fruit fly can (and often does) mate within two hours of hatching? Imagine what the religious right would have to say about that!

As a result of this situation I’ve purchased multiple fruit fly traps and become a homicidal maniac.

I’m killing upwards of 20 flies per day - that’s by hand, and doesn’t include those that are falling into the multitude of traps I’ve set around the house. And let me tell you, it does not seem to be making a dent in their population.

Sometimes I walk into the kitchen and, seeing no tiny insurrectionists, convince myself that they’re all gone, then spot one, just one, spinning around the faucet. The next thing I know they’ve followed me to the couch and are dive-bombing my computer screen and all orifices. I mean, gross.

Lest you think that I’m a monster who doesn’t believe in the right of all things to exist peacefully, you can read about how long I let the rats and mice cohabit with me in this same house. But as with all pests, there comes a time when enough is way the hell more than enough. When small flying creatures are spitting digestive juices on my food, as well as trying to colonize my nasal passages, I can no longer sit still and let it happen.

I have friends who are extremely pro-animal who won’t kill anything living. But I suspect that they’re willing to look the other way while their partners or children or housemates eradicate the pests. No shade, I can fall prey to moral ambiguity with the best of them. But in this house I'm the one nominated and elected (without campaigning, I might add) to manage all pestilence.

As I wash my hands of the last bout of murder, I sigh. Will it even make a difference? Their number never seems to diminish. But what choice do I have? It’s continue my bloody battle or live in ever-increasingly gigantic clouds of bugs attacking not only my food supply but my very sanity.

In the words of the poet:

Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to question why,
Theirs just to do or die.

Thanks, Mr. Lord Tennyson; this maxim, sadly, still rings true. With huge apologies to the bugs, and the recognition that my next several incarnations will likely be as ants or mosquitoes or fruit flies. But not spiders. I always save spiders.

Recommendation!

Speaking of murder; it took me a while to really warm up to the murder mystery, but I'm there now. Station Eternity blends this genre with one of my other faves, science fiction. I'm all about world building, and often world-ending is a defining part of it.

Anyway, try this one. It's got a terrific protagonist, fabulous aliens and a healthy dose of misguided human activity. There's also a sequel! Which is the very best thing once you've put down a book you love.

Nada Surf understands the plight of the fruit fly, and so does this email. Forward it to your favorite entomologist.