I'm waiting...
Question of the day: Where is my self-cleaning kitchen?
Here we are in 2025, and as far as I can see, despite fancy swing-out shelves and pasta arms, there have been very few upgrades in the past 50 years to the room that is generally considered the "heart of the home".
If the designers of kitchens are expecting me to get dizzy at the thought of a slightly more convenient organizational system, they truly do not know what makes me tick, and I'm guessing I'm not alone here.
So - my kitchen needs a serious upgrade. It’s as 1950’s as you can get, and then much smaller. I’ve managed it for 20 years now, but it’s time to make it a real grown-up kitchen. Like, let’s at least pretend that I’m going to assemble healthy meals in here.
But as I’m looking through magazines trying to figure out what I would put in my gorgeous new kitchen I feel that something is missing.
And that is the self-cleaning option.
I mean, why don't we have that? Are you telling me that wealthy rodent Musk can send us to Mars and build a self-driving car that might accidentally take you to Disneyland when you’re just trying to get to work in the morning, but he can't figure out how to make a kitchen wash itself?
Seems like a better place to start than space.
Now, I recognize that nobody gives a damn about women, even some women, but we’re actually kind of an important demographic. Because if we can get a little break from having to maintain Everything, All The Time, we would be a lot nicer to live with.
You know that whole, if Mama's not happy, no one's happy, happy wife, happy life trope? There’s something to that. Let’s face it, if women are happy, life is going to be better for everybody.
So maybe instead of trying to convince us we’re being well cared for because we are now forced to have children we do not want, the powers that be could do something that would actually make life better.
Because you know what? We don’t want to go to Mars. Most of us are not interested in your rockets. We just want to get up in the morning and not find the dishes from your late night snack in the sink. Or the crumbs on the counter.
And if women didn't have to spend all their time cleaning the damn kitchen, we could be out there doing stuff that would be helpful. Like replacing most of the government with other women. Or lovely nonbinary folks. More of them too, please.
Now, I do recognize that the current Administration/Oligarch Cabal would actually like us all to be trapped in this room for the rest of our lives, doing nothing but cleaning.
However, we don't need to rely on men. So, where are the women engineers who could be creating the first self cleaning kitchen? Because guess what? You would make a bazillion dollars.
Like, you could be the queen of the billionaires.
I get that it might be a little bit challenging to find venture capital for this project, since it does not appear to directly make life more comfortable or exciting for men, but seriously, you would make a fortune if you could figure out how to keep me from having to ever scrub a counter again.
Perhaps you could tap MacKenzie Scott? Maybe Oprah would be interested?
If I could walk into a shiny clean kitchen every day, I would be the nicest person in the world. Well, at least until I walked into the living room only to find that it was a huge mess.
So can we get on that? What do we need to do? Who do we need to call to get this ball rolling?
In the meantime I guess I’ll be snacking and getting takeout.
Ok, love you, bye!
Julia
Recommendation!
Truth be told, I've never watched an entire episode, because there are hours upon hours of clips on Youtube. It's a British celebrity chat show with a charming and hilarious host.
Basically the perfect antidote to, well, everything.
UB40 knows that it's time to clean the kitchen for good, and so does this email. Forward it to someone who is over scrubbing.