Cocktails for the Apocalypse

It’s pretty apparent that the end is nigh. It’s not clear exactly what form the apocalypse will take, but there’s no doubt it’s heading our way at increasing velocity.

I can’t think of anything more appropriate to do at a time like this than to break out the bottles and throw a cocktail party!

Your signature drink may depend on just which of the four horsemen are coming your way; here are some recipes to get you started, based on the disaster du jour. 

(Please note, this guide does not include nonalcoholic alternatives. If you’re a nondrinker, we love your commitment to sobriety! You are unquestionably smarter and more evolved than us. Have mercy on us and please keep the ice trays full.)

For the Zombie Invasion: The Flying (Dead) Frenchman

This cocktail combines espresso and absinthe, a potentially lethal combo! But you’ll need that extra caffeine boost if you’re going to battle the undead. And while absinthe is no longer considered psychoactive, harnessing the power of the ghosts of wild-eyed artists can only help.

Ingredients: 1 oz. freshly brewed espresso, 1 oz. Galliano Espresso Liqueur and 1 oz. Absinthe, ice 

Recipe: Shake ingredients with ice, pour into a coupe glass, mason jar or dirty cereal bowl. Gulp it down fast and grab your baseball bat, there’s work to do.

For an EMP strike: The Flaming Dr. Pepper 

This one does not require ice, which is helpful since your freezer is now simply a moldering box. The flames will enable you to see what you’re doing now that the electricity is out forever, and the mix of high proof rum, amaretto and beer will keep you from spending too much time worrying about the fate of humankind.

Ingredients: 1 pint beer, ¾ oz. Amaretto, 1 oz. 151 proof rum

Recipe: Pour half the beer into a pint glass. Pour amaretto into a shot glass, top with rum and light on fire. Do a quick end-of-the-world dance, then drop the shot glass into the beer. Drink. Repeat until you’ve convinced yourself that electricity is overrated.

For an incoming tsunami: Sex on the Beach

A no-brainer, honestly. The end is coming, you’re already at the coast - may as well go out on a hedonistic note. This drink is full of sugar, which may give you just enough energy to run to higher ground.

Ingredients: 1.5 oz. vodka, 1 oz. peach schnapps, 1.5 oz. orange or pineapple juice, 1.5 oz. cranberry juice, ice, orange slice, maraschino cherry

Recipe: Combine vodka, schnapps, juices and ice in a shaker and strain into a hurricane glass; oh the irony! Though honestly? Maybe just dump the ingredients into whatever glass you’ve got on hand - you don’t have time for niceties. Add orange slice and cherry, chug, RUN!

For the unendurably hot summer ahead: Moscow Mule

Channel the frozen north while you’re sweating through your sheerest clothing. Touted as ‘refreshing’, the Moscow Mule conjures images of the tundra (and maybe the gulag as well, but just ignore that part). Guaranteed to keep your mouth cold, at least. Drink enough of them and it will cool your existential dread too - at least for a while.

Ingredients: 2 oz. vodka (Russian, of course), ½ oz. fresh lime juice, 4 oz. chilled ginger beer, ice, lime wedge, mint

Recipe: Fill a copper mug with ice (you do have a mule mug, don’t you? if not, use whatever metal container you can find - sardine tin, distributor cap, etc.). Add vodka, lime juice and ginger beer. Stir gently, garnish with lime and mint. If you’re just too damned hot to manage all this, simply chill the vodka and drink straight from the bottle. The world is on fire, after all.

For the Rapture: French 75

It seems appropriate to toast those who are on their way to a better world with champagne. But let’s be real, this means we’re in for seven years of Tribulation (which may be even worse than what we’re experiencing right now). Champagne alone isn’t going to do it; we need a hit of the stronger stuff. And hey, let’s channel our inner French girl and stay classy through it all.

Ingredients: 1 oz. gin, ½ oz. fresh lemon juice, ½ oz. simple syrup, 3 oz. champagne, lemon twist

Recipe: Combine gin, lemon juice and simple syrup in a shaker with ice. Shake until well-chilled. Strain into a champagne flute, top with the bubbly, and garnish with the lemon twist. It’s important that you concentrate on mixing this cocktail perfectly, rather than obsessing about why your sister has been taken while you remain, or which of your colleagues you’ll be stuck with now that the righteous ones have been lifted to Heaven.

There are more disasters on the horizon, of course. My best advice is to keep your liquor cabinet stocked and your head held high. 

Love you 'til the bitter end!

Julia

Sinead O’Connor was a prophet - let’s raise a glass to her memory and have a drink before the war.