Another movie about a bunch of men 🥱

I’ve been a rabid feminist from the jump. I vividly remember sitting in the woods behind my house alongside my best friend Jennifer, arguing vociferously with the two neighborhood Marks about why girls were better than boys.

And yes, I realize that’s not remotely the goal of feminism, but at age 10 it was the only way we could come up with to fight the damned patriarchy.

Since those days I’ve reveled in female achievements of all varieties, while being fed men’s stories ad nauseum. And I haven’t hated them all by any means; it’s just that I’ve gotten tired of them. So you’ll understand that I wasn’t thrilled with some of last year’s “big” movies:

Scorsese was back! With a story centered on white men, despite ostensibly telling the story of a group of beleaguered Indigenous people. Surprise, surprise.

Then there was Oppenheimer! For real, I’m going to spend three hours watching a bunch of dudes create the nastiest war machine of all time? I don’t think so.

Sometime during lockdown I saw a post by a woman saying she wouldn’t watch anything on Netflix that didn’t have a woman in the thumbnail ad. While not always an accurate reflection of the movie or show itself, I’ve found this to be a pretty good yardstick.

It’s not that I won’t ever watch movies starring men; there are some good ones out there. It’s just that there are so few that feel fresh and interesting. It seems like every men’s story has already been told, and unless it’s going to be remarkably entertaining, why would I bother?

Over the past year I’ve tried revisiting several movies I once enjoyed. The Departed, for example, and The Talented Mr. Ripley. Excellent movies, both. But can they pass the Bechdel Test? I think not. And not even the masterful performance of the late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman can get me past this. I quit each well before the halfway mark.

I do have some off-brand tastes when it comes to film, so there are times I will watch a macho movie full of dudes:

LOTR. This mostly demonstrates my deep love for Tolkien. I give him a pass because his world-building took place before men even knew they were supposed to care about women? (JK) Or maybe just because as epics go, this is the one. (Did you know that Liv Tyler can still speak Elvish?)

Action movies. A favorite genre! But I don’t show up for The Rock or Jason Statham because I think I’m going to get a new view of the human condition; I like action movies because they’re adrenaline-fueled but not anxiety-producing, a rare and wonderful combination.

And if it’s full of eye candy? Sign me up. (I’m looking at you, Jason Momoa. Your reappearance in what should have been the final installment of the Fast and Furious franchise is one of the few things that will bring me back for the actual conclusion after that unconscionable cliffhanger.)

To be clear, there are some terrific female leads in the action "space": Angelina Jolie and Gal Gadot spring to mind. But there appears to be a glass ceiling when it comes to kicking ass.

Heist movies. I’ve got to believe that women are at least as capable of engaging in serious larceny as men, but Hollywood would have us believe otherwise.

Case in point: I’m a big fan of the Oceans franchise. They’re witty, stylish, and involve delightfully insane stunts. Then came Ocean’s Eight, the female version. The cast was spectacular; I had high hopes! And guess what? It was, well, disappointing. Not because the talented actresses didn’t pull their weight, but because apparently they didn’t deserve the kind of writing and directing the boys got.

You may have noticed that there was not an Ocean's Nine or Ten.

Give me a car chase and a bunch of explosions, but please, for the love of cinema, no more mob bosses, bad cops, hapless fathers or misunderstood bad boys. Seen it.

Maybe even lived it.

This, IMO, is why we loved Barbie so much. Call it a feminist masterpiece or a bit of fluff; it’s immaterial. We loved it because it was a movie about women made by women. That’s it! We don’t get very many of those. We get even fewer with brilliantly funny scripts, star-packed casts and truly epic visuals.

It took me a while to realize that I was dismissing men’s movies, but I’m feeling pretty solid about the decision. You’re going to have to give me a REALLY compelling reason to watch a bunch of guys guying around for two hours. I’ve been a spectator to men’s stories for nearly 60 years, and frankly? I’m over it.

Recommendation!

I read a lot of celebrity memoirs, and this is one of the best I've ever read. Trejo, by Danny Trejo. Aaaaaaand, it's by a male actor who appears in the most macho movies of all time! So there you go, who doesn't love a conundrum? Or perhaps it's not really a conundrum; that may just be the patriarchy talking.

Fun fact: Danny Trejo holds the distinction of having been killed onscreen more than anyone else, ever. He's also at the top of my list of people I'd like to go on a road trip with. He's got a great story and tells it well.

I guess I should have known this?

Swearing is associated with increased pain tolerance. This is not, I think, common knowledge, but as a mighty swearer I feel I should have learned this earlier.

"World-renowned expert in cursing," (oh, how I wish to be introduced this way!) Timothy Jay has also connected swearing to high intelligence and creativity. So put that in your $%*&@ pipe and smoke it!

Aretha Franklin knows what everyone wants. Forward this email to anyone fed up with the status quo.